Now, that that’s over with, I can vent even more. Oh, the joy. A lot of words I gotta say to “someone”. I’ve been angry for the last few days. I know I said I was happy in my last post, but that’s just because I’m finally letting go of the stupid butterflies I get most of the time. I particularly dislike being lied to and used. Man, has that changed me. The feeling of being used for another person’s enjoyment just gets me pissed off. All those stupid little insiders with you have been pushed aside. I just realized how "all I want is everything you’re not." Like, seriously? You are so oblivious. I consider you just another one of them. ASDFGDH. Wow. Well, “I’ve been bruised and I’ve been broken” and I don’t want to go through it again. All you were giving me was filthy trash. I might have fallen down, but I’m back up and I feel better than ever. I’d love to see you crash and burn, but you know..that’s just harsh to even think about. I don’t miss you anymore. I just feel like you should get what you deserve. I’ve been through a lot for the last month. I can’t believe I felt alone without you. I can’t believe I took the risk of physically hurting myself. You’re in the trash now along with the other once known precious memories. Have fun with your life. I just wished I had the courage to say this in your face. Oh, well.
Gee, I’m so happy for some reason. Maybe it’s because it’s JCAMS day! Ahah, but there’s another reason. Well, the second reason is because I think I’m finally moving on. Things may be difficult along the way, but I’m ready to avoid those.
"Maybe this road has taken me from where I was meant to be."
That’s so true right now. I’m almost there from getting rid of you in my life. Now, that might sound a little mean, but it’s true! Just a few more steps until I can finally move on with my life. It’s so relieving to do this. It’s gonna be like nothing happened. It’s gonna feel like we never met. I feel so much better. Thank God. (:
I don’t know what’s going on anymore. All I know is that moving on is the best thing to do. But can’t you see it’s hard? I mean look around you! There are people having trouble moving on. I guess I’m not the only one. It seems easy for you. I just hate the fact that every night I have to end up tearing up about something stupid that happened in my life. I read about other people and what they’re struggling with. That makes me tear up, too. It’s hard to stand this nonsense. Why won’t it go away? I’m still waiting and waiting..and waiting. Why does this always happen at night? I’m sitting in the dark right now. It’s like surrounding me. I might seem like I’m moving on, but I’m really not. I tell people I am, but I guess I’m just lying. That’s never good. I hate breaking down. I’m thinking about so many things I could tell you right now. Some are good. Some are bad. I wanna just scream really loud and hope that you can hear me even though you’re far away. I stare at the sky. It’s the night sky. I wish I could feel that warm hug. I can dream, can’t I? It’s just that sometimes they don’t always come true.
It’s been a while, it’s been a while. Since you’ve said “hi.” It’s been a while, it’s been a while, since our last goodbye.
I don’t know why I still think about it. Everyone says that I’m better without “this.” I guess I still get sad. I get angry though. I shake with just the thought of it. The tears burn. They hurt.
You’ haven’t called, you haven’t called, I guess nothing’s wrong. God called, He called. Says it’s going to be okay.It’s for His glory.
I pray everyday to get over it. I hope to. I just can’t forget about it. It’s a wound that will never heal. There’s no cure, no medicine. It’s just there and I can’t get rid of it.
So live your life and do what you got to. It’s only at night when I really miss you. But the morning comes - bringing a new day and everything seems to start over again.
I don’t care what you’re doing now. I just can’t believe that I had to go through this. I feel like no one cares, but I have my friends. Sometimes I feel alone. That’s why I did what I did to my wrist. Two different alternatives. Waiting for blood. I couldn’t take it anymore.
Have you been good? Have you been great? Most likely.
I bet that’s true. I can see it. Well, good for you. But good for me? Not really. It makes me think if you still know I’m alive though it’s just been a while.
One day you’ll know me as the girl that you let go. It was, so close - almost.
One day. Someday you’ll know me as that girl. Or maybe not know me at all. I don’t know what the future holds. I just really hope that this would be over. I’m upset, angry. Sometimes I hate myself for what I’m doing and thinking. I hate this feeling. Go away. Just one last thing I wish I could tell you:
"But somewhere we went wrong. Our love is like a song, but you won’t sing along. You’ve forgotten about us."
Guess what? I’m hurting again. I tried it. It didn’t hurt. I used an alternative. I’m not bleeding. It’s scratches. I can’t help it. I tried to, but failed. It’s not a deep wound. Not yet. If I bleed, I bleed. This is because of you, but I don’t want to blame it on you. I’m blaming it on myself. I can’t hate myself, though I have the tendency to. I need help. I don’t know why I tried it. I walked in my kitchen with no one there, in the dark. It didn’t hurt, but my heart is hurting right now.
Someone stop me. Don’t use words. They’re not helping.
Some people say I’m awkward. Actually, most people say that about me. Well, I know I am, so you don’t have to remind me every minute. Anyways, I noticed how most of those people I act awkward to think I dislike them or something. One thought I was just rude, but I wasn’t trying to be! I just wanna clear something out. It’s that I can’t help it if I get or sound awkward. That’s just me. I don’t hate you or something like that. It’s just that whenever I try to say something out loud, it’s turns out to be awkward. So, I’m sorry if I’m awkward. I can’t help it and I don’t know how to stop being awkward. Sometimes I’m just too used to certain people that I usually hang out with that I don’t feel comfortable with other people that I usually don’t hang out or talk to, so I get awkward. There’s a difference between being shy and awkward. I used to be shy, but now I’m awkward. So, I’m not shy. I think.
Anyways, sorry again for those people who think I’m rude, mean, or just don’t like them. I don’t!
[ps: I just realized how many times I repeated the word “awkward”. So awkward now o.o]
As you may (or may not) know, I have staring problems (or “issues”). I have no idea why I’m like this, but this is not the first time -.- (blue..ahem..). I tried to avoid ___ today, but ___ seems to walk the same way as me and passes me. It was so embarrassing! I didn’t mean to creep ___ out, but I couldn’t help it! That’s what happens!
Anyways, I was looking ahead and I see ___ looking straight at me. Then I stare back with a funny feeling in my tummy. I felt like smiling really big, or laughing. I guess I panicked because I stared back with a smirk for like more than 5 seconds and I so looked like an idiot. Why? Because my friends [who I was walking with] were way behind me and I began to walk faster, almost bumping into people. I felt like I was twitching or something(LOL..o.o..). I probably looked stupid and lost to ____ -.-. Greeat.
I gotta fix this “staring” thing that I do.
Oh, something else. There was another person[so, not the one I had a staring problem with]. This has nothing to do with staring, but this was part of my BAD week. So, I was walking with my friends to another room in the cafeteria, then I see ___ sitting down with ___’s friends. While walking “casually”, I slipped on a pickle in front of ____ -.-.. WHO LEAVES A PICKLE ON THE FLOOR?! I caught people laughing.. :/
I dislike this week. It was embarrassing. Really embarrassing.
You know how we say that we’re always breaking down? Do you know why? Do you know the cause? You might blame one person for it, but just think again. Take a moment to look at yourself. What are you doing to cause this “break down”. It’s not always their fault. I’ve noticed what I was doing to cause my break down. It’s not “their” fault. It really is not entirely “them”. I mean, sure like “they” have something to do with it, but not all the time. We keep blaming it on “them”. Listen to yourself. We all cried over it. We’ve all seen each other go through this. We’re hurting. Isn’t that a part of life?
Sometimes I don’t understand why we have to live this way, but it’s all part of God’s plan, right? There’s a reason for everything. Every bad thing you see today will have a great effect on you in the future. Everything you think that is horribly effecting your life will turn into something good. There will be a good reason of why God has put this situation in our lives. We may not know why, yet. It’s gonna become clearer and clearer each day. Don’t worry. We’re in His hands. You know who you girls are. I’m part of those “girls”, too. I have to admit it, I still cry every now and then. As I said before, it’s a part of life. We have to go through it one way or another. It’s gonna pass.
All I know is that I need to turn to Him to realize the real reason of "this". I know He’s not gonna let go of me. He’s gonna guide me. We all should know this. So, don’t lose hope. Don’t give up. Turn to Him during your darkest days.